Baywatch Review
What were you expecting? A self-aware adaptation of the 90’s cheesy show starring Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron? Well, I was hoping it would be good, but sadly the film fell flat more times than it cracked me up. That’s not to say there aren’t laughs in the movie, but overall I cannot recommend the movie. Let’s get into it.
So the story revolves around the lifeguards protecting the bay of Emerald Bay, thus Baywatch, led by Mitch Buchannon. As they prepare to hire three new recruits, Iowan Olympic-Gold medalist Matt Brody comes to town and basically forces himself into one of the spot, much to the dismay of the team, espeically Mitch. However, as a drug connection and bodies wash up on the beach, Mitch and his team must work together to solve the crimes and also get tan, protect people, and just plain get along. Yeah, you can tell this is a weak storyline, but we’re not to complaints yet.
So the big obvious strength of the film is the charisma that comes from the cast, especially Johnson. He shines in just about every role he takes, and he is about the only actor who brings any life to the film. Well, him and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II as a cop, and to a small extent Efron. And as mentioned, there are laughs to be had in the film, especially in one fight scene between Johnson and a thug in a toddler’s room. There’s a few one-liners here and there that also caught my attention and made me chuckle, and in particular I remember one rescue scene where we follow Efron on his motorcycle going along a long pier all in one shot that was probably the most well-executed shot in the film. Okay, now let’s get to those negatives.
As stated above, the storyline is pretty dumb, ordinary and uninteresting. We’re just waiting for Mitch and co. to screw up and be taken off the case or for the discipline to come in. And since a lot of the laughs don’t hit, a strong storyline can save a film like this, but that wasn’t the case this time. One thing in particular that really caught my attention was the odd song choices. There’s a lot of late 70’s and early 80’s songs here, and two really were out of place. One is “Say You, Say Me” from Lionel Richie being played while a few characters are reflecting on their choices and kind of being bummed out. It made no sense. That’s a love song and it’s totally out of place. Then there’s “How Deep is your Love” by The Bee Gees, my personal favorite song of all time, played during a scene where a character is drowning. Again, totally out of place, especially when the song is a love ballad, and one that is meant to be during a melancholy time, like it was when played in Saturday Night Fever (1977) when Tony Manero’s hit his low of lows, not when a character is in a death situation. Also Alexandra Daddario is in the film, a gorgeous woman who also has great comedy timing, but all she’s reduced to in the film is reaction shots. Seriously, 75% of her screen time is spent reacting to all the events of the film. Then the supporting cast of the other Baywatchers other than Mitch and Brody are off-screen almost all of act two then suddenly thrust back into action in act three, and I was like, “Oh, yeah, there’s other people in the film”. That’s a problem. One more complaint, the action scenes in the film aren’t very good. In particular, one fiery rescue scene has all sorts of special effects shots and none of them are that special. You can tell director Seth Gordon isn’t all that comfortable with all these materials. And it goes without saying at this point, but there are several jokes that go on forever. Two I remember are a case where a character gets his junk stuck that goes on for four minutes, and another where the three main Baywatchers sneak into a morgue and Efron has all sorts of problems, and it just goes on and on and never works. And so on and so forth.
I think I’ve said my piece with this one. I can’t recommend the movie if you’re planning on seeing it in theaters and paying for the ticket and popcorn and whatever else, but when the film comes on HBO and Showtime and whatever later this year, and you’re yearning to get back to the beach, it might work better as a slow weekend watch. Again, Johnson and Efron can be a great team, they just need a good enough script to go along with them, and Baywatch just doesn’t deliver.
My rating: 4/10.
