Seriously, what do you want from me? It’s not like you’re going to pay attention to what I say when there’s a dinosaur on the loose-about.
It’s not even like you don’t know what’s going to happen this time round – the whole damn thing is in the trailer.
Even if you’ve never seen any of the other three, all shocks and surprises are served up in the three-minute taster.
Just in case you haven’t picked up on the subtlety and nuance of the back story, however, here’s a refresher.
Man with money makes big amusement nirvana with monsters. It all goes to poop. People are surprised that this could happen.
They even reference the first park (although politely ignore Lost World and III) without learning from their own history.
Mind you, neither have we – which is why we’re watching this balloon juice.
Of course, this is not a mere repeat of earlier films, no no. That would be too easy.
Yes, there are moments of racing dinosaurs through the fields. Yes, people get chased through jungles. Yes, the aviary is still an issue.
But this time (and you’ll like this new twist) they’ve made a new dinosaur.
A whole new one. Who can, it seems, hide it’s body temperature, camouflage itself, hatch a complex escape plan…
All of which will be explained using expositional dialogue so leaden it could have been hewn from the rock the original fossils were found in.
And even if the obvious stuff doesn’t bother you (and it should), there are subtler issues that annoy.
Things like it having seemingly rained just before the helicopter takes off, a man who has seen live action with the army yet doesn’t remember what safety harnesses are for, oh and would you look at my Apple Watch it’s time to mention the product placement.
How the dinosaurs manage to get away with running about without any branding is beyond me, because this film couldn’t exist without the non-too-subtle advertising that’s going on.
Frankly, it makes a Bond film look measured and principled.
If you can, try and keep count, and see how far you get before the final big fight scenes. I was well into double figures.
Once they start trashing the gift shop and mall, you’ll lose count.
And yet none of this would matter if the plot was worth a damn.
Points are made all through the film that Aunt Claire doesn’t stay in touch with her nephews and doesn’t even know how old they are (NEWSFLASH: She doesn’t have to, that’s a parent’s job).
And yet, knowing full well where she works and how little interest she takes in children, Aunt Claire is seen as the perfect person to send the children to for a weekend.
No pre-amble, no back story, just a swift “hey, kids, you’re too young to remember all the times a dinosaur theme park went tits up – have a great trip!”
And again, if the plot was anything more than gossamer thin, this wouldn’t bother you.
But this film has been stitched together after a meeting in a pub with people who only half remember the original, been wrapped in carrier bag from the stores of the world and just thrown at the screen.
To be fair to him, Chris Pratt does his best to carry the whole thing – and he clearly isn’t taking it too seriously – but the rest of the cast are either out of their depth (in this puddle, I know) or clearly bored.
Bryce Dallas Howard has the look of a woman who remembers being in The Help and can’t believe she let her agent talk her into this, while Judy Greer carries the air of a woman who remembers what it was like to be given a back story.
Lauren Lapkus, meanwhile, is the woman with two masters degrees and a PHD who can’t believe she’s being employed to answer a phone.
The only other person who comes out of this with any credit is Jake Johnson, whose years on New Girl have finally paid off as his comic timing and knowing subtle air almost makes the more ridiculous scenes bearable.
I should be more annoyed by this film than I am. I should be livid that I spent precious hours of my life watching a multi-million pound blockbuster that still – at times – managed to look shonky and cheap.
I should be annoyed that a film I approached with low expectations failed to meet them.
I should be annoyed that this film was a screaming pile of pterodactyl poop.
But I can’t be.
Because when it has the word Jurassic in the title, we know what to expect. And even when it’s this bad, it’s still better than any other film about dinosaurs running wild YET AGAIN in a dinosaur theme park.
Can’t wait for the next one…