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Is it February Yet?

Jupiter Ascending movie review

Hey people of Movie-blogger.com. You may have noticed that I’ve been kinda absent from here for about a month or so save for the occasional movie review, (or in the case of Selma more of just an undignified spastic call to get your butt to the theater to see Selma) and I can only really attribute this to

A. School etc. has been keeping me busy.

I mean seriously, this is probably now my least favorite time of the whole year. Nothing good ever comes out save for the few late Oscar bait movies, and the whole month just turns into a giant feed dumb for bad movies.

Now I’m of course too lazy to actually look into the reasoning of why this month in particular becomes the time of year when we decide to release ALL of the bad movies, so I guess Hollywood just likes to get the stuff they know will be crap no matter how they slice it out of the way quickly so we can movie on to something good.

Like that new Wachowski’s movie “Jupiter Ascending” which I’m still hoping won’t be the complete CGI disaster it keeps threatening to become. Or Kingsmen, gosh, have you seen some of the early buzz for Kingsmen? This movie already has a 100 percent on Rotten Tomatoes just from the early critic reviews alone! (which is sad because I probably won’t be seeing it any time soon seeing as how I’m still under 18 and kinda have some standards I live by, mainly if a movies rated R or anything I generally wait till it gets to TV or something).

So I must ask, why do we get all the bad stuff in January? Well of course we don’t get ALL the bad stuff, but there’s a significantly larger amount of crap in this month then in any other. I just have to ask Hollywood, why is it you decide to throw all your crap in the coldest most depressing month of the year? I mean do you just like to make us movie-goer’s depressed?

Anyway, speaking of bad movies you can see coming from a mile away, here are some movies that I’m pretty sure we can all agree are gonna suck just based on the trailer. I’m of course excluding anything that already came out this month, and the movie that opens opposite Kingsmen which we will not mention because I’ve just decided to pretend it doesn’t exist in the hopes that it will tank.

Anyway, here we go.

Project Almanac

Project Almanac

It’s a Michael Bay produced found footage movie. I don’t care if it’s about time travel, Michael Bay seems to have a habit of actually producing worse movie’s then he directs (which is saying something).

Seventh Son movie review

Seventh Son

I will admit this does seem like it has potential, but the trailer’s don’t seem to be giving me much hope that this movie won’t be overly complicated yet somehow undercooked.

The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge out of Water movie review

The Spongebob Movie: Sponge out of Water

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh……… Just, uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh! I mean seriously! WHY! WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!

Cinderella movie review


Ok, maybe this won’t be terrible, I sure hope it isn’t seeing as how Disney’s been having a bit of a spotty career with their live action fairy tales, (but hey, Into the Woods was good!) but I’m just seriously confused as too why this was so deemed needed by Disney. I mean, has anyone really forgotten the animated Cinderella? No! Literally no one will ever forget a Disney classic! That’s why they’re called classics!

The Longest Ride movie review

The Longest Ride

Great, it’s another Nicholas Sparks movie. I don’t think I need to explain just how boring this movie looks.

Paul Blart Mall Cop 2

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2

No. Just, please no. I don’t want it, you don’t want it, very few people wanted this movie to happen. Just please, no.

Little Boy

Little Boy

Just, what? This trailer had me so confused about literally everything. So it’s supposed to be some kind of inspirational story about a little boy whose Dad goes to WWII and how he learns to overcome hardships on his own. That’s an ok premise for a movie, but it also looks like it’s trying to throw all this weird religious messages, and like there’s a sequence from the trailer where he literally moves a mountain? Like I don’t think that was supposed to be like a dream sequence or in his head, it looked like it was being played completely serious. Whaaaat? Like, just what angle is this movie going for guys?

Now obviously there were more movies that looked really bad from there trailers, and heck for all I know some of these movies could be really good. I’d sure love it if at least one of these movies could surprise me! (sigh) Look, if anyone’s still with me, I’m sorry for just treating you to my pretty dumb rant over here; but it’s January, I’m really bored, and I just hope at least someone was entertained by this.

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Sam Wilson
Non-professional critic.