A group of animal activists, led by Dr. Nikki Riley (Debbie Gibson), have broken into houses and labs and stolen dozens of exotic pythons to set them free into the Florida Everglades. ‘Cause they’re idiots, their actions somehow cause the pythons to grow to gargantuan sizes and threaten the ecosystem as they kill a large number of alligators in just a few days.
Due to the threat, Park Ranger Terry O’Hara (Tiffany) issues permits to the local hunters to exterminate the snakes. When that plan backfires, she and fellow ranger Angie (Kathryn Joosten) – using sound rational judgment – feeds the gators chickens injected with anabolic steroids, which will neutralize the animals’ muscle growth inhibitors, in the hopes it will help them fight back against the pythons. However, herpetologist Dr. Diego Ortiz (A Martinez) discovers that O’Hara’s actions have ignited an extremely aggressive war between the snakes and gators.
You know, ’cause that’s what a whole lotta stupid gets you.
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid is, as the title suggests, about an epic battle between two cranky, reptilian monsters that are desperately fighting for survival in a world that has cared very little about their existence for decades.
And that’s just Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.
See what I did there?
What the film title, poster, advertisements and plot synopsis lead you to believe is that this is gonna be an epic showdown between monstrous sized snakes and alligators. In actuality, it’s really about two rival ’80s pop stars having a 90-minute bitch fit and calling each other bitch this and bitch that, here a bitch there a bitch everywhere a bitch bitch about a thousand times. And that’s only by the halfway point.
Oh, and then there’s some crazy reptiles thrown in the mix. Anything to take your mind off the assumption that this was producer David Michael Latt’s way of getting the two former teen pop sensations to cat fight in skimpy dresses while practically making Tiffany’s surgically enhanced bosom the third-billed star of the film. I guess after years and years of wearing the lips of his Tiffany and Debbie Gibson posters back in college, Latt finally gets to realize his lifelong dream.
If you look at the poster up above, you’ll see it’s really well-designed. The composition, color, everything about it draws attention like a good marketing poster should for a movie. A surprising move from a network and production company that has put out some really shitty looking posters. Don’t worry, though, ’cause when you finally see the film, it’s business as usual.
Think of it as ordering something ’cause it looks oh so pretty on the menu, and then when the plate lands in front of you, you’re staring down at a pile of slop.
Happens every time I crack open a Hungry-Man. Tastes like crushed expectations.
Was I expecting Jurassic Park? No, not when coming from The Asylum and certainly not from Syfy, who probably pumped 95% of its $40 budget into making the movie poster look snazzy. But you’d think the amateur college freshman and the cheap trial version effects program he downloaded online the company hired would give the snakes a little more higher quality than a blown up version of those poop-looking black snake fireworks. Or at least allow the crappy CGI snake to constrict an alligator without dissolving into it.
If Mega Python vs. Gatoroid succeeds at anything, it’s being a cautionary tale on what not to do. These characters, all of whom are supposedly doctors and nature experts, give stupid a whole new meaning.
First off, I’m not sure what reasons the animal activists had for releasing a bunch of pythons into the Everglades, which seems to contain magic water that causes them to grow unbelievably huge. Granted, this wouldn’t be the first ignorant decision of theirs. Remember when PETA member Edward “lobsters are people too” Furlong tried releasing a bunch of tank lobsters at a Kentucky Meijer? Still, you’d think a character who holds the title of doctor would have an excuse that’s less bull shit than “Pythons are now at the top of the food chain!” Just ’cause she keeps repeating it over and over again doesn’t make it any more true the next time, especially ’cause…
… Uh – the anaconda community would like a quick second to rebut that argument.
If snakes are indeed at the top of the food chain in the world, then that must make Rikki-Tikki-Tavi the mac daddy mofo, bitch-slap that skank-ass cobra down, pimp god of thunder.
But wait, ’cause the stupidity doesn’t end there. After the pythons have taken over the Everglades, Park Ranger O’Hara sends out the Larry the Cable Guy fan club to exterminate them all. Great idea! Send out a group of guys that spend most of the time slurping down as many Buds as their highly likely pummeled livers can handle. It’s no wonder they can’t hit water even if they fell out a boat.
Yeah, they’re all killed.
So following that debacle, reason has to prevail right? I mean, how much idiocy can one person exhibit in a film? Well, no lessons are learned for O’Hara today and tomorrow ain’t looking good for her either. See, her fiance was one of the poor souls that was chewed up (yep, chewed up by a creature that constricts its prey and doesn’t chew ‘em up) by the pythons, so now she’s an emotional wreck and isn’t thinking clearly. Then again, she put the fate of the Everglades, a debacle not even the National Guard could handle, in the hands of Deliverance, so I’m thinking she wasn’t right in the head to begin with. What’s the plan now? Oh, my fiance’s dead. These snakes gotta go, so let’s pump the alligators full of steroids, making them just as huge and twice as aggressive, and the problem will be solved!
How do you get rid of a wicked cocaine habit? Apparently, just pick up meth.
But wait – yes, wait, ’cause once again that extra chromosome of O’Hara’s is working some major overtime tonight. When A Martinez shows up as the Syfy version of Jeff Goldblum from Jurassic Park, he tells O’Hara that maybe she shouldn’t be playing God so much, but she’s still going through with her plan. Perhaps she didn’t sense the urgency coming from him, which is totally understandable. He only warned her the shit’s gonna hit the fan about a million times.
Well, the roid-raging gators grow monstrously, lay a bunch of giant eggs, which hatch out some more pissed off giant gators. Do they prove O’Hara right by killing off the pythons?
Nope. They kill more humans, one of which is Monkees drummer Micky Dolenz which tells me this was directed by a huge Beatles fan.
Or Peter Tork.
“And – uh – you see – uh – that’s – uh-huh – yeah – uh – what happens when you – uh – wield genetic power – uh – uh – like a kid that’s found – uh – his dad’s gun.”
The title says it all with Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. I mean, what’s to expect other than crappy special effects and acting ranging from don’t quit your day job Tiffany and Debbie to a too serious A Martinez mistaking this for an intense, reptile-filled episode of L.A. Law? Who are we kidding, though? No one gives a rat’s ass about these pointless snakes and gators. This is all about having Tiffany and Debbie Gibson go at it, and I guarantee you all the horny young boys watching this are gonna be so distracted by Tiffany’s more than present rack, they’ll be shocked to discover after finishing the movie that this actually had monsters in it. Not even the combined CGI efforts of Lucas, Spielberg and Cameron could hide those things.