Unemployed 28-year-old cartoonist Gord Brody (Tom Green) is finally leaving his parents’ home in Portland, Oregon to pursue his lifelong dream of bringing his imbecilic animated TV series to life. He settles in Los Angeles and starts a job at a cheese sandwich factory.
‘Cause placing cheese on two slices of bread seems to be the only occupation his remaining half-baked brain cell is capable of handling, and once you get to know him, you’ll soon realize that maybe even that is debatable.
Gord is able to meet Dave Davidson (Anthony Michael Hall), the CEO of a major animation studio, but as much as Dave thinks that artwork has potential, he also finds the story to be unbelievably idiotic. Crushed, he quits his job and returns home to his parents, much to his father Jim’s (Rip Torn) displeasure who wishes Gord would grow up and take after his younger, more responsible brother Freddy (Eddie Kaye Thomas).
Ooh! Ooh! I see where title’s gonna come into play!!
“This movie doesn’t scrape the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t the bottom of the barrel. This movie isn’t below the bottom of the barrel. This movie doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence with barrels.” – Roger Ebert
Nearly seven centuries ago, the legendary poet Dante Alighieri, in his masterpiece Divine Comedy, claimed there were nine circles of suffering in Hell: Limbo, Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and Treachery. Years, decades, centuries have passed since his death, and it wasn’t until this past weekend that yours truly witnessed the never before discovered tenth circle far, far, far below the first nine. It’s nothing short of astonishing that after all this time, amidst many a contentious debate between philosophers, archaeologists, politicians, religious scholars, Vatican officials, Illuminati conspiracists and Stephen Hawking, there it was right before my eyes in the middle of the “Two for a Dollar” section at Family Video.
The temptation was unbearable, and as I walked up to the checkout clerk, Virgil I believe his name was, I heard a sinister voice echo throughout the establishment: “Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate!”
“Abandon all hope, ye who press play!”
And thus I entered the realm of unfathomable darkness and despair, otherwise known as Freddy Got Fingered.
So bitter is it that death is little more.
Just how bad is Freddy Got Fingered? One reviewer gave it a score of -1 out of 4 stars. An 11% Rotten Tomatoes score is also a good indicator. Not the 11% score, but the fact that the rating is honestly like ∞% too high. At the time of its release, back when 20th Century Fox felt like pissing away $14 million, the critics reamed this movie a new hole. Inexplicably, however, the film developed more and more of a cult following of devotees willing to fall on the sword in defense of this film. As assumed by rabid fan Joe Rogan, those opposed are old fogy, pre-blogosphere era critics who just don’t get the humor.
Well, Joe, I’m part of the blogosphere, definitely ain’t an old fogy and I do in fact get what you refer to as humor. I get that it sucks balls.
See, there’s some humor that can be classified as “acquired taste”… and then there’s Tom Green, whose migraine-inducing shtick is annoying even in microscopic doses. Imagine suffering through it for an entire fucking movie. Some have compared his style to Dadaist satire, but usually satire comes with a point. Something… Anything… Anything beyond just repeating gibberish over and over again, increasing your pitch and volume to obnoxious levels as you distort your face more and more.
Yeah, fuck you, Mel Brooks. You were doing it wrong the whole time.
The whole time!
The whole time!
THE WHOLE TIME!!!!
THE WHOOOOLE TIIIIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE WHOGADKDFADSKDFASAF TADFSJKQERWIUP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, it’s something like that.
It’s not impossible to make a low-brow comedy work. The Jerk and Dumb and Dumber are two great examples. The former benefited from Steve Martin’s comic touch. The latter thrived on two endearingly dumb performances from Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Freddy Got Fingered is nothing more than a 90-minute gross-out vehicle for Tom Green to do Tom Green things like…
- Jerking off a horse (an unfortunate recurring theme).
- Chewing up an umbilical cord.
- Swinging a newborn baby around a hospital room with said umbilical cord, spraying the walls and nearby patients with blood.
- Licking his friend’s nasty open wound.
- Watching two horses mate (and presumably getting a massive erection as he does so).
- Skinning a deer and frolicking around with it wrapped around him.
- Jerking off an elephant.
And it’s those ever so subtle gags that make up the entire film. There’s no point to any of them other than that Tom Green must find touching animal penises hilarious. If there is an actual plot, I’m guessing it’s a commentary on what happened to Rip Torn, Julie Hagerty and Anthony Michael Hall’s careers.
Retired professional athletes have talked about that moment near the end of their careers where they finally realize it might be time to hang it up, be it getting posterized by a wicked dunk or having your shot blocked into the stratosphere. I wonder if Rip Torn experienced a similarly tragic epiphany while acting out a scene where he gets sprayed with elephant semen?
Even more damning, if it’s even possible to get any more damning, is that there isn’t a single redeemable character to be found in this film. Everyone is either a moron or an asshole, with the exception of Tom Green’s Gord who is both at once, multiplied by a thousand. The closest we get to someone maybe being just the tiniest bit likeable is Gord’s bubbly sweet girlfriend Betty, but then even she turns out to be just another blubbering idiot who has an unhealthy obsession with sucking her boyfriend’s dick.
As bad as this film is, and it’s not just bad, it’s apocalyptically atrocious, one of the absolute worst films ever made and not of the “so bad it’s funny” kind, I felt compelled to finish this abhorrent piece of shit to the very end. Sure, there’s my cardinal rule of watching every reviewed movie – good or bad – from beginning to end. But it’s more than that. Freddy Got Fingered almost became like a quest, if not to see if each subsequent scene could get any shittier than the one before it – a monumental task ’cause boy, does it hit the ground running like the Roadrunner – than at least to figure out what mental deficiency Gord has. We’re talking twenty levels of retard below a rock.
Seriously, this guy is such basket case full of disorders and psychoses, he’s a wet dream’s worth of diagnoses for any psychiatrist.
Watch out, though, Doc. He might try to jack you off.
When it comes to any comedy, low or high-brow, it all boils down to one question: Is it funny? On a scale of 1-10, I’d say Freddy Got Fingered sits comfortably in between the cops arriving at your door to notify you that your family was killed in a horrific car crash and your doctor revealing you tested positive for HIV. Or course, it’d be ignorant of me to say I didn’t expect a certain level of stupidity here. I mean, you know what you’re gonna get with Tom Green, but believe it or not, his brand of “comedic” idiocy goes above and beyond its norm, much to the detriment of viewers all over the world.
And to think I once was so sure that a man known for humping a dead moose couldn’t possibly lower the bar any farther.
Turns out he can.